THE MBP Agency for the Resettlement of Expatriates

RETURNING EXPATRIATE INFORMATION GUIDE

To whom it may concern,

You are hereby warned of the forthcoming return of ___________________ to the United States in the month of ___________________, year ________.

He/she will be dehydrated, demoralized, listless, somewhat lighter in color and/or weight and suffering from what can be best labeled as withdrawal symptoms. Do not be alarmed. Remember the rude environment that has been his/her miserable lot for the past _(time frame )___.

We ask you, therefore, to read and remember the following submitted for your guidance (and totally without prejudice):

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DOs

When he/she arrives in the United States, send someone to meet him/her. In the interests of public decency, this must be undertaken by a male member of the household and/or someone capable of holding up an inebriated adult.

Lock up all medication (including over the counter and prescription).

Fill a cupboard/pantry with his favorite beer / spirit / wine (or all 3 in cases of long term assignments). NOTE: serve chilled or with ice.

Warn everyone in the area not to make any sudden moves in his/her presence (as he/she is accustomed to being surrounded by a severe lack of urgency).

DON'Ts

Do not mention any of the following in his/her presence:

Sweden, lagom, work permits, visas, Taxi Kurir, DigiPass, Midsommer, snow, recycling, krona, SEK, tunnelbannan, queues, System Bolaget, COMPASS, Steering Committee, exchange rates, 7-eleven, Closing Cockpit, SAS, COLA rates, Centaur, herring, meatballs, lingonberries, crepes, travel requests, Go-Live, or WebRes.

Do not be alarmed if:

He/she reads newspapers while walking (or during other forms of transportation where focus should be elsewhere), listens to iPod while in crowds of more than 10 people, follows directions without concern for logic or reason, tries to enter every door in the building with a security badge, leaves the office for a 3:30pm 'fika', stands in line without complaint, uses 's' instead of 'z' in some words in written forms of communication, runs with delight after buses/trains, leaves the office between the hours of 2:30 and 3:00 pm on Thursdays for the weekend, refuses to make decisions, and/or weeps when he/she is given such rarities as Papa John Pizza, Sweet Tea or Church's Chicken.

He/she may have aversions to certain combination of letters and numbers.

Do not mention any of the following in his/her presence:

PL101, BP310, BP315, ADM, SAP, SM7, MOCK1, EMEA, EU, EPS, EFS, VA05, APO, CPE, DK, UKIE, SENOFI, TG5, CKC, ELD or PMO

GENERAL

Until you feel he/she is his/her old self again (should that ever happen), do not let him/her out on his own. For example, when shopping, if he/she brings his/her own plastic bags (or tries to pay the cashier for bags used), apologize to them, explain that he/she meant well, comfort him/her and lead him/her from the shop.

If he/she should appear to go berserk because there is a meeting where a decision is actually made and adhered, the best plan is to remind him/her that it is OK to be decisive without the requirement of consensus.

Try not to let him catch you not recycling as this may bring on a psychosomatic recurrence of their ordeals abroad.

He/She will probably be frightened of seeing the following:

Banks that allow customers during the hours of 8am - 5pm+, banks that allow the usage of currency, banks that allow the usage of services without requirement of passports or DNA scans, smiling people, video/dvd rentals that allow the usage of services without passports or DNA scans, happy people, sunshine in the day, darkness at night, and people who drive instead of walk. Be patient and try to explain their uses.

Treat him/her with kindness and tolerance and you may be able to rehabilitate the hollow shell of the happy and healthy person you once knew.

This handout has been prepared for your guidance by:

THE MBP AGENCY FOR THE RESETTLEMENT OF EXPATRIATES