Leaving on a Jet Plane

When last we read, I was in my kitchen trying to feed my cats (Merlin & Nemo) and I got sealed in the room by a mountain of moving boxes -- all pretty much mis-labled by the way. I opened up 5 boxes marked Pots and Pans to find 1 saucepan lid, one casserole dish, books, craft supplies, nightlights, dental floss, and an array of business cards. Don't ask.

 

Jan 7th: Flight day. My last day in the US of A for a while. By the way, in case you weren't certain, Atlanta has some crazy ass roads. I'm serious people, I felt like we were driving around a mobius strip forever and that we were going to end up where we started...it was freaky. Don't worry, you can Google "mobius strip" in another window now if you want...I'll wait.........I bet you looked up "lilliputian" too, huh? Hilarious!

After parking 2 counties away, we caught our flight. No worries there. We get to Chicago and...holy crap! I've been to O'Hare before, but I obviously never had to fly Internationally before this day. I wasn't prepared to leave the terminal, take a train or whatever in the the hell that was to another terminal (still O'Hare though-Terminal 5), go through security again, and then get to the gate. It wasn't stressful or anything, but just a little odd for me.

 

So, we start to board the plane and I am amazed as I notice this really really tall woman suddenly step into the line. Easily 7 foot tall. I almost lost my cool as "That's a huge bitch" line from the Deuce Bigalow movie came flooding in my mind and I had to fake cough a few times because I accidentally made myself laugh outloud.

I felt bad because soon everyone in line suddenly had to cough. It was awful. Awful but funny if you know what I mean. I'm serious, picture 15 people in a line, not making a sound for like 20 minutes as we are waiting to board an 8 hour flight, and then suddenly all of us start coughing? Strange coincidence don't cha think.

Because we are all being a bunch of rude idiots to this poor woman and I was stupid enough to make myself laugh outloud in the first place, I did that damned silent laugh for about 5 mins straight. C'mon, you know that laugh I'm talking about. Where your mouth is shut, no sounds are coming out, but your friggin chest is heaving like you have the hiccups, and when you're done, your stomach feels like you did some crunches? It was awful. Awful but funny.

 

Anyhoo. I've settled down enough to hand the agent my boarding pass with pretty much a straight face. I'm very proud of that by the way. So, I'm about to get that little stubby piece of paper back from her when she grabs my arm in a vice like grip. I'm talking so hard it must be what a muskrat feels like when a hawk comes swooping out of the woods to hunt and carry it off.

 

I'm talking about hanging on a person so hard her life depended on it. I thought she was having some sort of seizure or something. I'm about to ask if she's ok when she pulls me closer (she was kinda stronger than she looked - she must work out) and whispers in a panic "That was a man!" "What?" I said a little louder than planned as she was starting to make my arm go numb. She was seriously freaking me out. She lets go of my arm (thank God) and leans in and whispers it again. Her eyes were bugging out so bad I just wanted to get away from her.

I'm thinking this lady is insane. She friggin just grabs people and whispers strange shit in their face. My God, what is this and why, for God's sake did she pick me to grab? I must look like I need to know these things. My facial expressions must evoke "Please, please kind stranger, tell me everything you have been thinking for the last 10 years but haven't dared tell a soul...but you can reveal all to me..."

Frigging weird. Well, as I get closer to the plane and people are getting in, I'm thinking, dammit...dammit... that crazy flight lady is going to suck me into her world make me try really hard to determine if her whispered information was true. She's going to make me try to see that tall woman's face and do the quick stare isn't she. Dammit. She just had to plant that little crazy seed didn't she. Damned crazy flight lady.

I tried to resist, I really did. But I ended up smack dab in crazy flight lady's little world.

So....I thought about it, the more I thought, it must be true. I mean, when is the last time you saw a woman that tall? I kept debating with myself...teetering on the possibility that well, I am afterall going to Sweden, maybe she's model...a really tall model. She must look great on the catwalk - She must get tons of work too. I mean if I was a fashion designer and in walked a 7foot woman who could make my clothes look beautiful ...sure what the hell, I mean -- holy crap she turned around to get into her seat. Holy crap, the crazy flight lady was right...

What can I say to you at this point?

He looked fantastic!

Well, I finally get to my seat on James Bond's plane, and it was so high tech, I was like a monkey with a hammer when I tried to work the buttons on arm of my seat. I must have looked like a caveman who just saw fire for the first time. All confused and awed and just couldn't wait to touch it, but it kinda scared me at the same time. It was mental. It was fun for me though. I have never been on an 8 hour flight before.

I tried all the gadgets out on the arms of the seats. I had a little Star Trek bendable light by my head I could twist on to read. I had at a minimum 12 buttons to control the seat. That was way too much for me. My A.D.D. was out and it was ready to go. I had collapsible trays tucked in the other arm. It was great. I'm sure everyday normal people don't think anything about it.

They just store their stuff in the overhead bins, read a news paper, drink some cola, and then pray to God they fall asleep. It might get boring to me after a while if I end up travelling back and forth to the US frequently, but I hope it never does.

Nothing else happened worthy of note on the plane. Normally I can find something interesting about anything, but the crazy flight lady incident before I boarded the plane soaked up all the MBP-Interesting minutes...